Episode 87: Building Boundaries with Sandra Possing

In this enlightening episode of The Pursuit of Badasserie: The Podcast, we are joined by the inspiring Sandra Possing. Together, we delve into the lifelong journey of building boundaries and the continuous process of self-discovery. Sandra shares her wisdom on how setting and reinforcing boundaries is much like training a muscle—it requires daily practice and gradual progression.

Let’s get after it!

Building Boundaries with Sandra Possing

In this episode, we discussed:

  1. The Importance of Boundaries:
    • Sandra explains the concept of boundaries as essential tools for personal growth and self-respect.
    • The analogy of boundaries being like muscles that need regular exercise to strengthen.
  2. Self-Discovery and Intuition:
    • The significance of turning down external noise and tuning into one’s intuition.
    • How understanding oneself from the inside out can transform one’s external reality.
  3. Practical Steps for Setting Boundaries:
    • Starting small with low-stakes situations to build confidence.
    • Examples like choosing what you genuinely want at a restaurant to more significant decisions in life.
    • The process of articulating and reinforcing boundaries over time.
  4. Empowerment and Authentic Living:
    • The impact of empowered women on the world.
    • Encouragement to trust oneself and seek aliveness in daily life.
    • Sandra’s perspective on how women stepping into their power can drive positive change globally.
  5. Financial Empowerment and Manifestation:
    • Sandra introduces her free pop-up podcast, Making You Magnetic, focusing on financial empowerment and manifestation.
    • Insights into embodying one’s wealthy future self and attracting abundance.

Special Offer:

  • Check out Sandra’s free pop-up podcast Making You Magnetic at MakingYouMagnetic.com for tips on financial empowerment and manifesting abundance.

Find Sandra:








Guest bio:

Sandra Possing is a speaker, coach, digital nomad, and lifestyle entrepreneur, based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She was listed as a Top 10 Industry Leader in Apple News in 2023 and a Top 10 Life Coach to Follow in 2021 on Yahoo. She specializes in supporting high achieving millennials. Over the last 10 years, Sandra has coached hundreds of clients to new levels of success and happiness, and been a featured speaker at tech companies, non-profits, and corporate events. Originally from Sweden, but raised in California, she was an early adopter of the digital nomad lifestyle, and runs her personal development company from her laptop wherever she goes. In her free time, you’ll most likely find her dancing, doing Crossfit, and traveling the world with her husband, Chris.

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Read the full transcript of this episode below:

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

Hey, I’m Lynn.

Amanda Furgiuele  

And I’m Amanda. Welcome to the Pursuit of Badasserie, the podcast. We are back with another amazing guest, Shocker.

I know. But today we have Sandra Possing and she is a speaker, coach, digital nomad and lifestyle entrepreneur based in the San Francisco area.

She was listed as a top 10 industry leader in Apple news in 2020. and a top 10 life coach in follow or to follow in 2021 on Yahoo.

She specializes in supporting high achieving millennials and over the past 10 years, as Honda has coached hundreds of clients to new levels of success and happiness and has been featured as a speaker in tech companies, non-profits and corporate events, originally from Sweden, but raised in California, she is an early adopter or a doctor of digital nomad lifestyle and runs her personal development company from her laptop wherever she goes.

Sandra Possing

Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me, stoked.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

Yay. What, I’m half Swedish. What, when did you move from Sweden?

Sandra Possing

So I’m half Swedish half Danish. My mom’s whole family’s from Denmark.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

My dad’s whole side is in Sweden and I was five when I moved to LA. Oh wow, that’s so cool.

Yeah, I was adopted, but my biological father was 100% Swedish and my grandparents came over to the States and actually met in the U.S.

yeah, fun fact. I’m back.

Sandra Possing

Sorry, Amanda.

Amanda Furgiuele  

Any time I’m here, I feel very, here being the US, feel very Scandinavian.

Sandra Possing

And anytime I go back, which I do try to go once a year, I feel very American. It’s such an interesting little cultural dance.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

Yeah. Tell us a little bit about how you got started.

Sandra Possing

Yeah, so looking back now, I’m 43 now, and I look back and I’m like, if I had known what to look for, the clues would have been really obvious all along that I was always going to be an entrepreneur.

I was never cut out for the 95 world, but I grew up in a, you know, like many of us in a culture or communities that were very like, what a very competitive public high school down in LA.

And it was like, Dr. Lawyer Engineer, pick one that was kind of the general vibe. And so it never crossed my mind to consider being an engineer.

I mean, being an entrepreneur, there’s my sick brain, sick brain and pregnancy break trying to confuse words there. But so it had never really crossed my mind to be an entrepreneur.

But I starting to get the feeling early on that the whole like normal path to success was not going to suit me growing up kind of straddling two cultures and you know grew up in LA but my whole family was in Scandinavia other than my mom so I was like if I want to see them ever and also travel I’m going to need more than two weeks of vacation for a year and this whole like corporate american two weeks of vacation thing I was like that’s not going to work so I started kind of soul searching pretty early on and then in my 20s I was just like bouncing around San Francisco trying stuff nothing felt right I also felt early on like I can’t just clocking clock out I can’t be work that’s for a paycheck like I have to do something meaningful I have to do something I’m passionate about or at least remotely interested in you know and I’m like look at it Craigslist Lincoln jobless and trying all this stuff and it was like absolutely not absolutely not absolutely not I ended up sort of through college friends working for couple different startups and they were like in music tech mostly which was not at all what I was trying to get into but there’s something about being

around entrepreneurs, like being around innovators, disruptors, people who are doing really cool in new interesting ways. lot of them, you know, didn’t make it, they didn’t make money, some of them did.

But just being around that, I was like, okay, this is something. And then I started to get that feeling like, maybe I, maybe it’s not just that I want to be around entrepreneurs.

I kind of maybe want to be the entrepreneur, but I had no idea. I wasn’t like, like, what’s my product?

I’m not going to code something. I’m not going to build something. So it was like in the back of my mind, but still not clear.

then I found my way to fitness, which was a huge plus because the fitness world is like a little adjacent to the coaching world.

And through fitness, I was teaching boot camp in like six a.m. in the morning in San Francisco. was amazing, really fun.

was getting paid to work out. It’s like, hey, but I knew it wasn’t the thing. I knew it wasn’t my career.

And then I started meeting other coaches and was like, I’m taking you to lunch. You’re going to tell me everything.

You seem to love your job. You’re freedom. What is this magic? Please tell me. so then I interrogated a bunch of them, learned more about

I was like, oh my God, this is totally what I’m here to do. And then kind of found my way into the coaching industry and did all the coach training and stuff.

it was like, I felt like I’d come home. But I didn’t realize it’s the first couple of years, you know, you get trained, you become a coach, you get your first clients, it’s lovely.

But then a few years into it, I was like, I didn’t realize that I had to also have a business.

I was like, I’m just coaching people and they pay me, but like, I have to get clients and I have to do marketing and I have to learn sales and I have to run a business and operations and admins.

So that’s when I was like, okay, whole new, I didn’t know anything about all of that. So that’s when I started hiring my first business coaches and like actually taking it seriously.

Amanda Furgiuele  

Yeah, it’s actually amazing how many people forget that side of entrepreneurship. They have all the passion, like you want to do so much stuff and then this big old fat reality check hits and you’re like, oh, I also need to do all of those things or hire someone to do all those things.

And that’s where that’s over that business overwhelm comes.

Sandra Possing

Oh, yeah.

Amanda Furgiuele  

We feel you. I that’s, we feel you.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

Absolutely. I love how your story, you point out a few key points that I’d like to take high level, just because, you know, you’re describing your leap, what’s really important.

It’s actually really aligned to your values, which I love, because I love looking and I know Amanda does too, but me and my little spidey brain loves to look for all like the little green flags and all the congruency with individuals and with what they do.

But you were talking about, you always knew that, you know, that you didn’t want to do acts and that you had this kind of free spirit.

So you were listening to almost your gut or aligned with your soul. Essentially, you knew that you could do things.

So the limitless stuff. But I’ll connect it to the values, but you listen to your purpose or like that kind of nudge that niggling inside of you, like saying, you can do this, you got more, you tested the water.

So you put yourself in different area is to be around different types of people at first and then you saw after experts in the field and you had kind of a bridge there where you were kind of questioning individuals and I think that’s really important for people to understand and then obviously you took the dive and then then you realize you have to have a business so you you took it seriously from a hobby-ish maybe making some money to an actual business and I think that that kind of in a umbrella looking at it is really important for individuals that are you know trying to do their own thing and being an entrepreneur on their own pursuit of bad rate to say like there is a process and how long did you say that about took you said you started kind of feeling it in your 20s and when was when did you think I really found my way to coaching like late 20s and then it took me a couple years because so terrified I remember I did this year-long leadership program and that’s like my only goal through this program was to

Sandra Possing

walk away with some clarity. I was just like, I just need know who I am and what I even want.

But I walked away from that program finally feeling like I had the courage and the confidence to start my like, I had a personal training business and I was doing some social media and stuff, but they were like little baby businesses that I was just sort of half-assing, you know?

And once I launched my coaching business, I was like, okay, this is my heart. This is my soul. And that was around 2012.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

Yeah, I love that. I love. So everybody thinks overnight success is the thing. It’s not. Not a sustainable thing, I love all the work that you put in.

it’s so aligned with all of your values, which is your look or your beliefs, your limitless authenticity and aligning with your soul and allowing things to flow.

So I love that.

Sandra Possing

And that’s what makes it sustainable too. You know, when I try to imagine doing something different, have like my kind of other dreams growing up in LA, was around Hollywood and there was a part of me that wanted to be an actress or a singer or dancer or something.

But other than that, like, I can’t imagine doing something else because I can’t imagine doing something, especially that that was my own business, that’s not completely like soul-based core values, like rooted in values, rooted in passion and purpose.

like, you know, the thought of like, I don’t know, just selling some random plastic widgets or something or like having some business that has a service that I don’t really care about, it just like, it just doesn’t compute for my brain, because I think it’s so important, at least for some of us who have this sort of calling or whatever you want to call it, like, it’s non-negotiable, but it also makes it easier because it makes it sustainable.

Like, even I have, and I have fights with my business all the time. I had a huge fight with my business in February.

I was ready to burn the whole thing down, and that happens probably like a couple times a year on a small scale, and then like on a big scale every couple years, right?

consider burning it down and getting a job. And then I, as soon as I think about getting a job, I’m like, just kidding, I’m not going to do that, you know, can back to it.

But like, even though there’s all those eps and downs, the thing that keeps me going is I love the work so much, and I love the work that the results that clients get, and like, the feel-

of sitting across from someone and witnessing transformation is like, there’s nothing like it. So it makes everything that’s hard so worth it.

Amanda Furgiuele  

And that’s the best part of entrepreneurship, my opinion. mean, there’s always going to be hard times. And I don’t know, there are very few entrepreneurs I know personally who have not had those moments of like, I’m going to throw in the towel.

Sandra Possing

This is ridiculous.

Amanda Furgiuele  

I’m putting in 24 seven and life is crazy. And then you take like a few seconds to think about the alternative, you’re like, no, just kidding.

The sacrifices I’m making now are 100% worth. Like what I’m trying to achieve and what I the reach that I’m going to have and how much it fulfills me as a person, like that I would never go back and that goes across me.

Nearly every successful entrepreneur I know personally, that’s been their journey. It’s always these moments of like dark, ugly crying in the shower.

Sandra Possing

And then you remember why you were doing it.

Amanda Furgiuele  

And you realize that part of who you are and the purpose and your. place in the world is to fulfill that, and it makes it all worth it, which it’s not always easy, but myself.

Sandra Possing

So many of the things that are the hardest, like that’s where our gifts are hidden, too. You know, when I think about like, been doing this for 12 years and as a life coach, you know, I get to work with people in a lot of different areas and a lot of times it’s health or relationships or career or business or whatever, but like, if I look at the three biggest themes I’ve helped people with, it’s self-worth, so everything around empowerment, it’s career or business, so basically figuring out the heck they want to do with their lives, and it’s money.

And like, those were my three biggest struggles, and so it makes sense that I track people who have the same biggest struggles because I get it, you know, like, I joke that like, so I get to comment on my shoulders all the time, like I’m a pretty fit looking person, and it would feel so out of integrity for me to like, create some online program that was like, get shoulders like these, you know, in six weeks or something, because I’m like, this is not something I’ve had to work hard for, so I don’t know what it’s like to have to work hard for fitness or for a body because it’s just come easily to me.

I do know what it feels like to go through the absolute like shitstorm that is self-worth and trying to figure out what you want to do with your life business career or relationship with money like those dark nights of the soul I’ve had so I get it I can empathize I had so much compassion for people especially women going through all those three things because I think I’m such a believer that we need women who have like come alive and who are showing up at their most empowered selves like stepping into their power all of that kind of stuff and I’m like those are the things that I know that’s why I get so excited to help people with those things versus the things that just like come easily to me and you know like I can I can support someone with it and I can teach it but it’s just not as genuine it doesn’t have the depth because I haven’t been to like hell and back in that area yeah I think it also makes it more purposeful it feels like and I can say this from my own personal experience first of all like a track like and it’s really interesting and I love that you’re saying that because lot of times when we’re teaching target market you know you can always tell who are who are in their true essence

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

because they are attracting some version of themselves, right, because then they’re able to communicate to them in a very different way, in a very authentic way.

it’s more quality, I would say. But yeah, I feel like when we can be truly connected to the different aspects, because you weren’t just talking about the target audience, but also to what you do and how you do it, it makes it more scalable and sustainable like you were saying.

Yeah, but what’s really important, it goes back to that other point that you just said, is a lot of times we find people that are in that bucket, but they’re not treating as a business because they feel like they’re doing their purpose and they’re not necessarily, not that they’re not taking it seriously, but either some people are like, they’re in a few buckets, they’re complacent because it is easy for them and it’s okay to do that.

Maybe they just don’t have that big of drive to make it a business and like legit, or they’re just so

stuck in what their purpose, that they don’t realize that they should be charging, they should be building, they can, like they cannot, they don’t have to do everything.

And it’s really interesting. So I’m sure you coach people around that to kind of like navigate them over those little humps.

Sandra Possing

Especially, I think women who fit into the kind of like wounded healer archetype, you know, so many of the women who are drawn to this type of work, to coaching, to healing to something where you’re giving so much of your heart and soul to the person it feels like.

And you know, there’s just such like weird messaging around that. Like if you’re doing this kind of work, you’re not allowed to charge for it, or you should charge very low for it.

it’s like, no, like I’m going to, I think the perfect analogy is I’m going to an energy healer. I want that energy healer to be the most well resourced, grounded, boundary.

I want my energy healer to have the most amazing self-care. I want her to be a rich , you know, want her to be so well taken.

taken care of. I don’t want her to be in scarcity. I don’t want her to be depleted. I don’t want her to be resentful of her clients because she’s getting paid so little, you know, like the people that are going to do work on me or with me that is like connected to body or mind or soul.

I’m like, those people should be paid the most out of all of us, almost, you know?

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

And yet we have such weird societal stuff around it. It blows my mind. It blows. I’m so like, you actually triggered me a little bit when you said that because I just saw like in my head three messages pop up of like flyers and they’re like, Oh, I don’t believe in charging for what?

No, then it’s not a business and you’re just doing a service. That’s okay too. But you know, there’s just not our people.

Sandra Possing

Like you asked someone how much how much money they want to make. I love conversations about money just as people get so uncomfortable and squirm in their seats.

And it’s like a portal to all of our childhood conditioning. That’s why I love like money, my assess stuff.

But I remember, you know, it’s like you asked somebody about their money goals and stuff and they’re like, Oh, well, you know, just just enough.

be comfortable or not too not too much like they’re really clear that they don’t want to make too much because of what that’s gonna what they’re making that mean about then who they are that suddenly they’re greedy or they’re whatever and i had a it was great i have um i’ve been to get some kind of healer type clients and one is a she can’t even like really articulate what she she’s like hypnotherapy plus intuitive stuff plus counseling and all these things it’s like so many different modalities but the other day she was like so i’ve never actually said this out loud to anyone but i just realized i like nice things i want nice things and i was like yes you know and i’m like that’s the thing if i’m going to someone who’s if i was her client i would want her to be stoked on her life and have good money and savings be so financially empowered and be like physically mentally i don’t want my hypnotherapist to be like scrounging around trying to make ends meet yeah no i agree yeah i know

Amanda Furgiuele  

And I was actually having a very similar conversation with a couple of my employees about like money goals and how they want to elevate their own businesses and so forth.

And it’s always surprising to me how little knowledge or emotional knowledge they have of where they’re sitting in that money mindset.

they just they don’t they don’t want to talk about it. And they’ll literally go just pay me whatever I’m like, you realize that this is that’s not the conversation we’re having here like I don’t say that to me because I’ll pay you minimum wage and I’m just kidding.

But at the same time, I know you’re worth know know that that people want to pay you for your work.

People don’t want you to be sad and lonely. Like you said, they don’t want you to be wanting it.

They want you to succeed and they want that for you. So why not give them the tools to pay you that again act?

Get your worth. I mean, it’s the value of what you are and who you are. Yes, it’s not just.

money and you don’t want to put a number on what we’re worth. And if it’s a business, you do.

Sandra Possing

Yeah. You don’t have a business if you’re not selling something.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

Absolutely. There’s no business if you don’t have clients.

Sandra Possing

And like, you know, if somebody wants to be a healer and do it pro bono because they don’t need to make money, maybe their partner or they have a trust fund and they’re just doing it as a hobby amazing.

Like go be a healer in your free time, a pro bono, do it, give it away as a volunteering thing.

if you have a business, you need to make sales. And if you want to have a business that grows and that’s scalable and sustainable, and where you can do amazing work and you are well resourced and you feel good, cut charge for it.

Amanda Furgiuele  

Yeah. And it’s also just your intention behind it because don’t get mad or resentful at your clients for not paying you when you’re doing a donation based class because you don’t need the money and you’re projecting and manifesting in the world that you’re doing it pro bono for you or because you love it.

And then it gets to the point where you no longer love it because now you feel resentful. like you should be making more but you’ve never actually called that out or assigned that value to your services or to yourself and so there’s like a bit of a disconnect there with a lot of these you know soulful like you have that initial soulful connection with your business but then you aren’t honest with how that correlates to the money and I’ve seen that happen a lot this this like you start to hate what you do because you become resentful about asking for money and not feeling like people are paying worth but at the same time your ad campaign runs around donation based or like pay what you can or sliding scales and you know it’s your intention so if if you want to give something for free because you do love it rate and if you want to get paid get paid exactly and that so many of us who are in this field are you know we’re such empaths and so we we feel so much for someone who is on the other side and so we like we’re reaching out through it through the screen or whatever and trying to like manage their emotions and we want to

Sandra Possing

make them comfortable so that maybe we want to discount our prices or we want to give them a deal or we’re so afraid to charge for it but it’s like that’s somebody else’s journey which is that’s why I’m so passionate about more of us and especially women doing money mindset work and transforming our relationships with money because I’m like whatever person acts is going through it’s not my job to manage their unless they hire me as their coach and I’m gonna literally help them with their money mindset which I love to do but it’s like otherwise it’s not my job to manage them and make them more uncomfortable like it’s my job to clean up my side of the street and do what I need to do to be an integrity with my services and my whatever but like I’m like if more of us did this work we wouldn’t have such weirdness about it like he’s a talking to a client who had a friend cat sit for her while she was out of town and this woman like actually had like a pet sitting business and and my client was just trying to pay her and she like wouldn’t even have the conversation because she was like it’s so uncomfortable but she was like but I you literally cat said my cat like I need to give you money and she was like no I don’t want to take you know it I was like ah like we need we just need to normalize having conversations about my

Because it’s such a neutral thing. It’s just all the weird stuff that we create weird narratives around it. like, how much more quickly would we all move forward if we could just be in a place that’s more neutral?

Amanda Furgiuele  

Yeah. And it’s really that emotional connection to it because there’s like how much more awkwardness are you creating by resisting being paid and resisting your value and resisting that?

Because I’ve definitely had conversations like, what’s your rate? Oh, well, I’m like, now you’re just making it weird. Like, tell me how much you pay you.

It’s weird now. Don’t make it weird. I want to pay you. And that’s, I know, a hard for a lot of people to really own it and claim it and say, this is what I’m worth and then stop talking.

Yeah. is what I’m, this is my service.

Sandra Possing

This is my product. And when we get to a place where communication around money stuff is just more clean and clear, it also just, it’s like such a relief.

Like, how good does it feel to pay someone really well when you are like in a comfortable place with money and they are too?

And it’s like, you know, like in the service-based business world, a lot of people will be like, oh, do a trip.

I’ll do photography for photography for you and you do this for me and stuff. it’s like, or you could just both pay each other your normal rate and celebrate that you can hire your cool friend.


Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

I can’t tell each other out. Like just that exchange is so healthy. I have so many one-liners that came up during your conversation.

I’ve done, I’ve continued to do money mindset work because of the environment that I grew up in, et cetera, but also another aspect to this.

And I definitely feel like this is, I’ve seen it more with women than men collectively or generically, and it’s a phrase that I had to use on myself.

How do you expect others to invest in you if you don’t invest in yourself? lot of times, especially women, they’re putting the money out, they’re taking care of their family, they’re taking care of this, but they don’t necessarily, and not just money, but money too, that they don’t necessarily always invest in themselves.

I can also create that lack of self-worth and also the exchange of money when it comes to friends or even knowing what to charge and stuff and I can remember actually working through that.

Not that I didn’t do some investing in myself, but I put everybody first and I think that there’s such a key aspect to that since we’re on the Money Minds Head Train.

I’m always best the way that our podcast kind of like go and kind of the topic that we end up on, but Money Minds is so important.

Sandra Possing

And so, I mean, probably like 95% of the women I work with are hardcore in the people pleaser category and the like good girl, you know, so all their conditioning, which I think so many of us grew up with in very similar environments and stuff.

And so they’re so steeped in that mindset of like, put everyone else first and like, don’t bother anyone, don’t inconvenience anyone, don’t make anyone uncomfortable.

Also, you have to like be the good girl, like be mommy’s little princess, get good grades, be nice. be like the good corporate employee, also be a star in the bedroom, also be a super mop.

Like there’s, you know, it’s like, um, America for air is the whole monologue in the barbie movie. Like it’s just absolutely ridiculously unrealistic expectations on women, but we put them on ourselves and to them, like you’re coming from this place where you’re taking care of everyone else first and the thought of investing even the tiniest bit of time or like you get these, you know, super busy moms who are working full time and you ask them if they’re doing any self care and stuff and they like laugh in your face because they’re like, I don’t have time for that.

But then it’s like, but then you’re chronically giving from, like you’re running on fumes, you’re giving from a chronically empty cup to all of these different people and you have so little left to give and you start resenting them.

like probably one of the biggest things I work out with clients is boundaries around that and just flipping the whole paradigm of thinking like it’s selfish to do self care and it’s selfish to set boundaries or if I set a boundary, people are going to think of

I mean, you know, and I’m like, actually, I love Brene Brown puts really well. She’s like the most generous people in the world are the most boundary.

I’m like, oh my God, amen to that so much, right? when you have amazing boundaries and you do really solid self-care, then you give from a place that’s genuine.

You know, like if somebody’s giving to me, I want them to give to me because they want to, not because they feel a sense of obligation.

You know, that’s like so, so much ick for me. Like, I don’t want you giving to me because you feel obligated and then you also resent me while you’re trying to be generous.

I’m like, no, thank you. No, go. You do. You take care of you. That’s about you. Do some self-care and then we’ll talk and see what you have left over.

Amanda Furgiuele  

Absolutely. The self-care is a tough topic for a lot of people to really, a lot of women particularly to really understand.

I think part of the problem is that we’ve now come to define self-care as like, oh, you have to get this like $900 facial and

And then you have to go shopping and buy all these things like that. Self-care is different to everybody, every single person.

so whatever fills you up is what you should be putting into that space. not necessarily, yeah. I absolutely agree with that.

That’s a definitely a hard one to understand for or to accept and implement for a lot of women because there just is so much on everybody’s plate.

Sandra Possing

there’s just so much more. It’s rebellious act to dare to spend any time on yourself. And I say it’s worth it to rebel and to take those courageous acts and model that for the younger generations too.

Amanda Furgiuele  

And model that for the future. was just on a call with a client this morning and she was talking about how she had to do this like 1500 things on her to-do list of course always with a entrepreneur.

And I flat out asked her like, who’s going to help with those things? She’s like, there’s nobody. Nobody can help.

I’m like, well, have you asked any of these people? I can’t them. I’m like, they work. for you. It’s not an inconvenience to give somebody one more task to help you in this like busy week.

Oh, well, I can’t do this. I can’t. was at this very long discussion of because she was so overwhelmed, but she was literally in this space where she couldn’t delegate even because she didn’t want to inconvenience and she felt like she was asking too much of somebody.

I’m like, that just means that you haven’t set up your boundaries and that they haven’t set up theirs and you guys haven’t discussed it, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t take it on.

Sandra Possing

The people pleasing thing runs so deep, man. It’s like, it’s one of those things that I’ve been on. That’s the biggest journey I’ve probably been on myself too with the people pleasing.

But then once you start to see it and other people, you start to become so glaringly obvious when it’s happening.

And I was just talking to a client about this the other day. comes from a good place. don’t want to bother anyone and we want people to be happy.

ultimately, I’m like, when you watch somebody else people pleasing and you notice they’re doing it, it’s actually super annoying.

It’s super annoying, like you’re trying to get it, know, you’re like, what do you want to, and they’re like, oh, I don’t know, you decide, and you’re just like, oh my god, just give me an answer.

it’s like, I become so glaringly obvious when I see it in other people, but then I’m also like, well, put the focus back on myself, I’m like, I’m still doing it, and I do more with certain people than others.

And then you start to realize like, people blazing is actually like really manipulative. That was one of the hugest breakthroughs I had when I realized like, I think it’s coming from this good place, but I’m actually trying to manipulate other people’s perception of me, because I want them to like me, I want them to accept me.

I’m like bending over backwards and contorting myself into some version of myself that I think will be the most palatable to them, which, you know, in the moment when you’re with one person, you’re like, I’m a chameleon, I’m adaptable, and it’s like, this, this benefit, but then you start to, one of the times I really noticed the difference was when I, I’m doing it with multiple people at the same time in the same room, and I’m contorting myself into a different version of myself, as I like literally turn to into a different Which is in face someone else.

And I’m like, I just became a different person for this person, person, that person. And then it was like, then who actually am I?

You know? And then when you people please so much, you become like this wet noodle, because you don’t stand for anything because you, yeah.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

You have no solid, solidness to you. I love that perspective about manipulation. think it’s really, it’s a very different way to look at.

I don’t know if I remember anybody ever saying that. But it is. And, you know, I often say we train others how to treat us.

And when we’re turning around and we’re conforming and doing all the people-pleasing aspects, which I was literally just reflecting on myself this week about where I was falling back into some patterns or like why I did certain things.

And some of it, I caught myself because I was in the all- days, it would have been people pleasing.

But now it wasn’t people pleasing was, I just want you to make the decision.

Sandra Possing

I can’t make another decision for the life of me right now. Right?

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

So, but I love that. Going back though, that we train others how to treat us is, and I know you said you deal with this a lot, not just with the relationship with self but relationship with others.

So if we’re sitting here and people pleasing, and we’re setting up these boundaries and boundaries, expectations, the playing field of how our relationship is going to be, but then all of a sudden they turn around and it’s a completely different relationship where they start treating you a certain way.

Well, you actually helped pave that path of how they’re responding to you, how they’re engaging with you, how they’re taking advantage of you.

And I think that, yeah, I love everything that you just said.

Sandra Possing

Love it. Tony Robbins talks a lot about raising our standards, which I feel like is so elegantly sad and not applies to so much of this kind of.

work I do with my clients around boundaries and stuff and it’s like, you know, you’ll have a woman who’s like, everyone in my life or maybe all the men in my life like are bullies or they all treat me like this, you know, and then you start digging and looking at the patterns and it’s like, oh, your dad was abusive and a bully and a narcissist and treated you this way.

So your whole being nervous system is conditioned to think that that’s normal or at least it’s familiar, you know, and then you’re like, you get a job and your boss is a bully and treats you the same way, but it’s like, it’s amazing how much we tolerate things just because they’re comfortable and because I haven’t occurred to us that that’s not healthy or normal because it’s just what we grew up with, you know, and then you go on, you date like a string of men who are all abusive or disrespectful or whatever and it’s one of the things I love that was when somebody will start to have those realizations and be like, I’m literally tolerating this terrible behavior, like I’m tolerating people bullying me because it’s what I’ve always known and then they start to not tolerate it anymore, which is terrifying, know, they start to push back, they start to-

Practice more assertive communication, which doesn’t always go well, because of course when we said boundaries, the people that are the most upset about them are the people who are benefiting the most from us having no boundaries.

So it’s like, it can be so tumultuous in that moment, but they get a little bit more self-worth and strength each time.

Even if they have to cut out, know, had clients cut out relationships with family members and bosses and exes and friends and whoever, because they’re just like, I’m no longer available for being treated that way.

And I just realized that I’ve been allowing people to treat me that way for 30 years and it stops here.

And suddenly they’re like, well, I don’t have many people left in my life now, so now I have to go find new people who can treat me the way that I’m available for being treated.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

I love that. How maybe give a couple of like nuggets of how people, because there’s two things happening in parallel when you’re working.

There’s multiple, but two big things that I can see working in parallel is one, you’re redefining who you are and grounding in learning who you are, but then also sending them boundaries, having the conversations.

I know there’s a lot of fear in both that are from different places, but kind of same-same, same-same, but different as we say in Thailand.

What are some ways of somebody on this journey of like actually doing this? Maybe they’re not working with you.

What are some with some tips that you can give them? Because I’ve done it and I’m still doing it.

Sandra Possing

It’s a lifelong journey.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

Something that ever fully goes away because actually I was just having this conversation yesterday with a client and I often say it took 30, 40 years to kind of build you as a person, you’re not going to heal in one session.

But she was talking about it’s like a muscle moving forward when you wash yourself. You have to wash yourself every day to keep yourself clean, but eventually it can build back.

right? Because it’s a if we look at neuroscience, it’s a pathway that’s built into you, into already. So how do you what are some pieces of advice you can give them that are navigating this?

Sandra Possing

It really is a muscle. like going to the the boundaries gym every day, you know, like, and I would say, I look at both of those things very much in tandem, like in parallel.

So if you’re on the journey of getting to know yourself better, like my whole podcast is called Oh High Self, because it’s all about like bringing people back home to themselves, like with just so much of what this work is about, you know, the inner work.

So it’s like, we’re always on a journey of getting to know ourselves better. And we’re always on a journey of the way I think of it is like, it’s transformation from the inside out.

So the more I understand myself, the more I’m able to then tweak my external reality to become a reflection of who I am on the inside.

But if I don’t know who I am, then I’m just creating my external reality by default. I’m just accepting what, you know, tolerating whatever’s being thrown at me, which is mostly like all my conditioning from the past.

I’m just repeating past patterns and like what I’m allowing and being available for. So then we start getting more clear on who we are, and that could be through, you know, so many different kinds of things, a lot of introspection and journaling and soul searching and working with a coach or therapist or whatever it is, but it’s like the more we understand who we are, which to me is like, a lot of it is learning to turn down the dial on external noise and interference and expectations and turn up the dial on our own intuition.

So I think our intuition or inner guidance or soul, whatever you want to call it, like has all the answers is just we haven’t, most of us are completely cut off from it.

We have no idea how to access it. So it’s like turning down the dial on the external noise, turning up the dial on tuition, getting to know ourselves better.

And then when it comes to things like boundaries and training our world and communicating to hopefully the people care about us, like what we’re available for and not, it’s helpful to know what we’re available for or not.

we don’t always know until we try, you know? So I always like to have people start with like small things, like clients, like kind of the ones I was explaining where they’ve been treated poorly their whole life.

So they don’t really know what it’s like to not be disrespected. They don’t really know what it’s like to have people.

And they’re like, we’re not bullies, or we’re not narcissists or whatever it is. So it’s like, start small by setting like tiny, tiny boundaries where the stakes are lower.

You know, maybe not standing up to the person who’s like literally physically unsafe, starting with even just something silly, like, you know, you go to a restaurant and like looking for what you actually want on the menu versus like picking what, you know, you think the people next to you might also want to bite up or like something like that.

So it’s like there’s opportunities all day, every day to look for just preferences. what do I like? What do I not like?

What feels safe in my body? What does that feel safe? what am I comfortable with? What am I not?

You know, what are my boundaries? Like with personal space, with finances, like loaning money to people, like, oh, there’s boundaries are all around us, you know, but we don’t know what we’re comfortable with until we do some work to figure that out.

And then we just practice actually saying them out loud, you know, articulating the boundary and then reinforcing the boundary and then setting stronger and stronger ones in the in the higher stakes situation.

and then that’s the way I think we train the muscles that slowly over time.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

You love that. steps people, baby steps.

Sandra Possing

steps always.

Amanda Furgiuele  

doesn’t, big change happens with the little daily steps.

Sandra Possing

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

Yeah. All right. Well, we are coming to time. Any little last nuggets that you would like to give to our audience?

Sandra Possing

Well, that what I kind of alluded to before, which is I’m going to butcher it, but it, I think it’s originally, oh my gosh, what’s his name?

Thurmond. The quote that’s like, what the world needs is people who have come alive. It’s something along those lines, but the version of it that hits for me most is like the world needs women who have come alive.

Like I really believe that women who become empowered, who step into their power, who are showing up authentically, who are doing work that’s like their mission in the world or like going to save the world.

So I think my nugget there is like look within and trust yourself and trust, like, Practice trusting yourself and and look for that aliveness because the more of us who trust ourselves and who are coming alive What are that it’s so different for each of us like that’s how we save the world.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

I Love speaking my love that So, how can people get in contact with you?

Sandra Possing

Yeah, so I’m very easy to find Sonder passing and the only one of me as far as I know in the entire world if you google me you’ll find me at my website It’s under pausing calm.

I’m outside under pausing and all the social medias And then I do have a little free gift for anyone who wants to explore more of the like Financial empowerment especially and especially stuff around manifestation.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

That’s kind of my favorite topic these days It’s a little pop-up podcast and it’s that making you magnetic calm and it’s all about making you magnetic Embodying your wealthy future self and attracting the abundance you desire To love great great great like What side address is and I love and easy to remember you are all yeah

Yeah, I love it. I love it.

Amanda Furgiuele  

And of course, all of that will be in our show notes first. So those you who are joining us over the airwaves, you can go to our website, the pursuit of badassery.com slash podcast and all of that information will be in the show notes that you can make sure you’re clicking on the right link and finding Sandra.

Lynn Howard (Lynn Howard)

Yeah, if this podcast moved you, please make sure you’re hitting subscribe and share it with a buddy or two and leave us a comment, let us know how you liked it.

yeah, till next time,

Amanda Furgiuele

Get after it.